Da Senator Would've Been Fun
I followed with some curiousity famed Bears coach Mike Ditka's brief flirtation with running for the U.S. Senate.
Although I don't know anything about the famed coach, I wondered how a Super Bowl-winning leader would fare in the Senate chamber. Even after Ditka bowed out of the race last week, I continued to think about how Da Coach would perform alongside the likes of Robery Byrd.
So I called and e-mailed an old friend from Plainfield, Roy Taylor, a Ditka fan since age 10, who just happens to be the author of the forthcoming book "Chicago Bears History." Surely an expert such as Taylor, with hours and hours of research for the book under his bely, would be able to shed some informative light on the prospect of "Da Senator."
Roy was quick to point out Ditka's accomplishments on the sidelines. "Mike Ditka was the main reason the Chicago Bears changed from a team to which none of my classmates paid attention, to the most popular professional football team in history," Roy noted.
"But Ditka for Senate?" Roy asked. "To use a phrase Iron Mike popularized, 'Get yer mouth shut.'"
Although Taylor conceded that he and other Bears fans would likely vote for Ditka, for the sheer joy of reliving the 1985 Super Bowl run, he did not think that Ditka should make himself a candidate.
However, Taylor noted the unique qualifications Ditka would bring to the Senate floor:
First senator ever elected to have posed with Ricky Williams in a wedding dress. For that matter, he would probably be the first senator ever elected who has starred in several (bad) music videos and been accused of throwing gum in a woman's hair.
The intimidation factor would be unprecedented; surely Ditka telling another senator, "See that? that's your IQ buddy, ZERO!" would send the rival scurrying away in seconds.
Since he will have constituents to answer to, perhaps his notoriously poor Wrigley Field singing will improve.
I also wondered what kind of bills and laws we could expect from Senator Ditka. Taylor imagined that four motions and bills would be placed on the floor after Ditka was elected:
Cigar smoking is not only allowed, but encouraged, in public places.
Freedom of the press restricted-just on sportswriters in Chicago.
Putting green and gin tables installed on Capitol Hill.
Introduce measure to include Levitra siestas sandwiched in between rounds of golf and gin.
U.S. senators are held to a strict set of protocol. For instance, the standing rules of the Senate mandate that "No senator in the debate shall refer offensively to any State of the Union." I wondered how the famously fire-tempered Ditka would obey such a strict set of rules, especially with regards to Wisconsin.
Taylor said, "Mike Ditka, patriot, statesman, would certainly do his best to uphold decorum. But I don't know that he could make a long-term committment to doing so. While in the beginning things would work well, little by little, the gum chewing would begin. Then the spitting (ever see the Coach refrain from spitting, even though he was playing another team inside a dome?)
Finally, when he wanted to be heard, Da Coach/Senator would just run up to the person he wanted to address, grab him/her by the collar, and scream.
"It's the Ditka way."

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